Saturday, March 5, 2011

Dear Remi,

I am so so sorry! Not fair. Wish I could know the right things to say or do or feel.

Your Daddy called me to tell me how special you were going to be while I was in a very far away land called Brazil. He and your Mommy were so scared cause they weren’t sure how they could find the right way to raise you and be good parents for you. I flew home right away.

I walked into your house and everyone was so silent. So scared. So afraid. So worried. Your house was filled with a lot of people that loved your Mommy and Daddy to help in any way they could. You see, none of us knew at that time that you were going to change our lives the way you did and that you couldn’t have picked better Parents.

Your Parents spent a month in their closet, crying and praying and thinking about you. When they came out, they told us that after a month of being in the closet their heads were clear. They were going to have a very special baby and they were going to devote their lives to understanding everything they could about your special needs and do whatever they needed to do to raise and support you forever and ever. We were all so proud of your Parents. So proud!
They did just that. They read a lot of very big books. They talked to everyone they could that raised baby’s like you. They went to the Doctor a lot. They were so excited to have you. You became a special celebrity to many people. Some of whom we didn’t even know.

Then after what seemed like a very long time it was time for you come out of your Mommy’s belly. There was so much excitement in the hospital about you, we couldn’t wait to see you, hold you, kiss you, love you. At the same time, we were also still worried. Were your Parents going to be able to give you everything you needed and how could we help? It wasn’t going to be enough for your Mommy and Daddy to simply raise you. Their plan was to do whatever it took to help you love life and excel in your special way. When it was time for all of us to come see you for the first time we raced 100 miles, down the long hall, each one of us trying to be the first one to see you, hold you, kiss you, love you.

There was so much going on that it was hard for me to make sense of everything so some of the moment was sort of foggy. What was easy for me to see was the look in your Mommy and Daddy’s eyes. I was no longer worried about their ability to take care of you. Everything was going to be OK! I was so right but also so wrong. So very right, but so very wrong.

Your parents did take such good care of you. Better than anyone else in the whole wide world!! But I couldn’t have been more wrong about everything being OK. I was soooo wrong and I am so sorry. So SORRY. So Unfair. So wrong.

Your Mommy and Daddy somehow knew how to take care of you. They made sure that all your doctors, nurses, and everyone made sure you were their toppest and most special person to take care of. They listened to all the smart people but made their own decisions about what was best for you. They stayed with you when the sun was up and when the moon came up.

They never left you. Never!! They never gave up on you. Never!! They thought of nothing else but you. Nothing!!

And when your Mommy and Daddy walked down the 100 mile long hallway, holding tightly to each other’s hands, out of the hospital without you, I watched them for a long time from behind until they vanished from my sight. And I sobbed and sobbed liked never before just like I am now as I write this.

You see, we knew you were going to be so very special. We had no idea that this meant something so very different.

Your Mommy and I had a very special talk about you. We were in your kitchen at the counter. She told me that when she prayed for g_d to make you better it never occurred to her that g_d would make you better but in his own way. I have a lot of special talks with your Mommy, but that one was the bestest of all because she was so honest about her feelings and I felt so close to her every since then.

Now 2 years later, your Mommy and Daddy will celebrate your birthday alone and with all of us and they will cry and cry and cry and we will cry and cry and cry a lot cause we can’t stand not having you with us.

And we still don’t know why?



I love how you’re looking at Mommy in this picture.

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