Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Where do I start? People ask me how I am feeling. I always just say "ok". I think my true feelings are out of most people's realm of feelings and should never have to even try to understand what losing a baby/child is like . I feel like I have lost the battle and the war. When I know that's not true. I lost the battle but won the war. I will have eternal happiness with Remi in Heaven. That's how I like to think of it. At 25 years old I have had to make some decisions that no one should ever have to make. I know my little girl and wife were both suffering, I was suffering. The doctors told us that Remi would declare herself for the better or worse. On Monday April 6 we woke up and Remi had yet another infection on her diaper area. We also had a new nurse that wasn't too emotionally attached to Remi. I could see all the signs right when I walked in that PICU room that morning, I got queasy. I was right, things started happining - O2 levels started dropping, blood pressure dropped, she was letting the ventilator do all the breathing, and more. She was basicaly maxed out on medication and the doctor said that she didn't want to give her very much more. Her body had declared itself, and I want to be clear, she did not give up. At that point Amy and I had to make the biggest decision of our lives. We chose to let her go peacefully to Heaven right from our arms and not some hospital bed.
Amy and I are dealing well. My new saying is that we are doing as well and we can or should be.
Stay tuned for the meaning of "R" Angel